Is It Me?

It's been a month of "just" being on my Selegiline.  Each twitch, quiver, shake, shiver ... each cramp or tilt or swerve makes me wonder ... is this new?  Is this a decline?  Is this normal ... or is this MY normal?  Am I losing weight because Winter is fading and I'm eating less or am I losing weight because I'm eating less due to a loss of appetite (a PD Symptom)?  For crying out loud - isn't ok to just not be hungry anymore?!?

There's no way to know.  Imagine if, once a week, you had to report in depth on ...... how your teeth felt.  Are they feeling cleaner today than last week?  Are the spaces in between the same or different?  Is your jaw tighter than it was last Tuesday?  Do things line up the same?

For my PD, that's kind of how it feels when I notice, for instance, that I sit in my chair with my feet flat on the floor and use them to swing my chair left, then right, then left.  Is this a new thing I'm doing?  Am I doing it because I'm AWARE I want to be doing it - or is this a new symptom?  Did I do this last month?

In happier news, the one driving me crazy with all this is me.  The Awesome Husband is either keeping his concerns to himself and/or realizes that anything he's noticing about me I've already noticed and am already wondering about.  Our daily life is wonderfully, marvelously un-large-eventful.   My diagnosis does not consume either of us ... it just simply is there.  It isn't ME.  It's a small part of who I am today and may be a part of who I will become ... but it's not now and will never be all of me.  It is also not us.

I will always ... WE will always ... I dearly hope, be more.