The Angry Dream

So I had this dream last night, and it made me angry. Which is strange - I mean, I think it was strange that my subconscious made me angry anyway. Maybe it's not so uncommon for others, but it seemed weird to me.

In this dream, I was in a hotel room. The check-out time was 10am, and it was about 9:30am. There was a dining room table - an oval one - near the door to exit the room, and it had six chairs seated around it. There was (oddly enough) another door on an adjoining wall (where the couch was) that appeared to also be an exit.

I was in the process of gathering my things. I don't know what I'd been there for, but there seemed to be a lot of computer-type bags that I was packing. And then, without warning or even a knock, the door next to the table opened and hotel workers walked in and started to replace a trash can.

I looked at them blankly and said "I have the room until 10am - and you could have knocked, yanno." They apologized, and left. I continued to pack, a little more rapidly than before, and suddenly there were workers in both doors, coming through with new furniture and whatnot and I gathered that my room was some part of a renovation.

I started to yell. I cursed ... loudly. There was a camera crew (???) filming the new and improved room and I took the camera and threw it into the newly-installed flat screen TV and I remember too that I picked up the woman behind the camera and physically removed her - not so kindly - out of the hotel room. "Stop it!" I was screaming. "Don't you understand how incredibly rude you're all being?"

I got on the phone, called the front desk, and asked for the hotel General Manager. I was asked if there was a problem, and I believe I responded with something like "you bet your ass there's a problem". I went off, and went between apologizing for screeching at the front desk attendant who was only doing their job to demanding security to keep people from entering my room.

The problem with dreams is that you don't get to decide when to awaken from them. This dream was "loud" enough, apparently, that it woke me up. The Awesome Boyfriend was stirring slightly so I mumbled "what time is it?" and he said it was about 6am.

It's now almost 12 hours later and I'm still a little miffed at ... well see, that's the part that is difficult. How can you be angry about something that occurred only in your head?

Tradition!

(and now you have "Fiddler On The Roof" playing in your head)

I come from a family of few traditions. Oh sure - there's the traditional Ramos Fizz on Easter Sunday before service, Black Russians on Christmas Eve, Champagne if it is on sale ... hmmm, quite a few alcohol-based traditions there. *shrug* What can I say - my family of few traditions IS, after all, Irish.

There is one tradition that is just for my mother and I. Entertainment Awards Shows. The real ones, 'tho - not the "best same-sex kiss in worst teenage movie" ones. I'm talking Oscar and his gal-pal Emmy.

I used to see a LOT of movies when I was in my teens and twenties. It was good entertainment, it was fairly inexpensive at just $5.50 for the latest blockbuster, and it was something that I really enjoyed doing. I know a lot of folks go to the movies to escape or to avoid doing something else - but I really liked just being entertained for a few hours. NOW when ya' go, it's about a $40 payment, the multiplex has paper-thin walls so you get to hear all the other movies around you, parking is impossible and if you haven't seen the previous four movies that this one follow and haven't bothered to read the book, the interviews, aren't reading the tweets and haven't "friended" the movie crew, screw it - you'd never understand the plot here either.

My movie-going came to a trickle for a lot of years, when there was no one would could go to the movies with me. (This is what happens when everyone you're friends with starts having a family.) So my mother and I started going together. We'd typically see either the latest Harry Potter (which, in fairness, we HAD read) or something fun and weightless - aka "the chick flick". Plus - as a bonus to seeing the current releases, we'd have someone to root for during the Oscar broadcast.

Ahhhh the Oscars. We'd been watching it together for yeaaaars ... long before Joan Rivers' kid was broadcasting. We'd discuss the dresses, the dates, the teases, the bad sketches, the host - oh, and the winners and losers. It was great fun.

When the movie-going slowed down, the show to watch became the Emmys. It was easier to watch the Emmys and to root for people because you didn't have to remember back in March which God-awful movie Ben Affleck had been in. These folks on TV - on the shows we'd watch - came into our homes each week. If the series was REALLY good, I'd even have the DVDs of the seasons - so yeah, watching the Emmys worked really well.

Tonight I was startled to see something about "2010 Emmy Fashion" online. I guess it had escaped my attention that the broadcast was tonight. I've already called my folks once today so I don't want to bother them with a stupid call to say "hey Mom - Emmy's are tonight". But watching them together was what we did. And since last years ceremony was broadcast in mid-September, I guess this is the first year we really won't watch and comment to each other.

It's a tradition I will miss.

(I still can't believe that Johnny Galecki isn't nominated. Jim Parsons had BETTER win.)

Let Us Call This Entry "Karma"

Since I was in my early 20s, I've believed in Karma. I may not have always known what to call it, and I didn't always practice in trying to balance my own karma but, for lack of a better word, I have honestly believed in doing what was right. Sometimes I did what was right to my own detriment, sometimes against my better judgement, and occasionally I did it very begrudgingly ... but still, I endeavored to at least TRY to do right.

I didn't always do what was right quietly, which I believe - for me anyway - should be part of the equation. Things that are done for the best intentions get tarnished when noise is made while doing them. And, yes, it's possible that the person doing "right" may be unfairly judged as being boastful or proud when, in fact, that could not be the case. When I was younger, I'm not ashamed to admit that I sometimes enjoyed the attention that came with doing right. I never once looked for that recognition, but I never walked away from it, either. I know now - for me anyway - that pride has no place in doing the right thing.

Like most folks walking this planet, I have had quite a few people - some who knew me, some who never met me - pass judgement on my "karma-driven" actions. And, like most folks walking this planet, I know I have passed judgement on others for their "karma-driven" actions, too. Damn that whole "being human" thing!

So it is because of all of what I've just written that I find myself in a state of confusion. If someone does something that is, in polite society, unseemly, should that person be surprised if karma smacks them around a little bit? What about if that person does something unseemly time and again ... are they still entitled to attention and/or support when things go badly for them? At what point does the individual providing sympathy sit down and say "yanno, Albert Einstein famously said that the very definition of 'insanity' was doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results". In other words, when is it alright to wipe your hands of a highly-probable mess in the making and walk away?

I have known some people who only learn from their mistakes. I mean that they EXCLUSIVELY learn from just their foul-ups ... nothing else counts. It is difficult to not feel a little smug ... self-righteous ... or at least sing a verse of "I told you so" to yourself when the wheels fall from their cart. In the German language, they go beyond "smug" and call this sensation "Schadenfreude" - pleasure derived from the misfortunes of others. There is a whole huge industry built on this feeling and, if you think I'm wrong, then you've obviously never read a tabloid-magazine in your life.

Typically I try to wrap things up by this point, but I'm still chewing on the turmoil in my gut. I have empathy for people when things go wrong, and I have sadness when I realize that others are experiencing pain, loss, disappointment ... but the question still nags: "How did you not realize this was going to go badly?"

The trick, I think, is to realize that it is not my place to comment, not my judgement to make, and not my karma to deliver.