"Actually, it’s a buck and a quarter quarter-staff ...

but I'm not telling him that." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wyTEH95_vNo

I was thinking of naming this "Parents Just Don't Understand" but I really like the idea of having the secret weapon of a "buck-and-a-quarter quarter-staff" up my sleeve instead.

Ahhhhhhhhhh parents. Ya' get the ones you're born with and then they don't lose their minds quickly enough for you to move them into a retirement home when they're not looking, eh? Or, ya' tell them that you're making some significant life changes because you want to grow into the responsible human being that they were trying to raise all along - and they tell you "that's great, Honey" meanwhile they're cutting you off at the knees.

But here's the thing - because they're your folks (and this, of course, depends totally on how you were raised, I think), you really do need to believe that they honestly have your best interests at heart. Are there really bad, nasty parents out there? Of course there are. Ya' don't have to pass a test to become a parent - pretty much the only test involves some version of peeing on an indicator stick. But if you don't think that your parents have your best interests in their actions, then you probably should have run away when you were nine years old. Or maybe you really were found on their doorstep. (You really don't resemble anyone in the family album, yanno?)

So, if you're goofy enough to share to your friends about stuff that your parents do in the name of said "support", and you don't freak out, but your friends are mortified? Welllll they're your parents, not the parents of your friends. My parents aren't *yours*. Trust me on this - your parents are extremely screwed up in THEIR very own unique little ways. I mean really - have you taken a good look at the family album? Honestly! Get the hell back home to your own glass house and stop leaving your grubby little fingerprints all over mine. Geez, where's the Windex?

If you had my parents, you'd react differently to all kinds of crap, I'm sure. But see - you wouldn't have been properly prepared. I've had my parents for a lot o' years now. So ok, this may seem broken and nasty from the outside looking in (great Oingo-Boingo song, by the way), but it's not new to me. I'm more than ready to take a deep breath and smile pleasantly through whatever is tossed at me in the name of love. I can even accept it graciously. I've been in training for a long damn time. I'm not muttering "of course you know this means war" under my breath at all. This is more like "Marco Polo". In a wading pool. With a posted lifeguard. And water wings.

Wanna know what MY secret weapon is?
There are things that can be altered, renamed, removed, changed, edited, closed, adjusted, deleted, cancelled, tweaked or otherwise modified ... but those are just "things". And at it turns out, I've been accidentally growing less and less fond of "things" for quite awhile now. "Things" come and go. "Things" are borrowed for a length of time that we sometimes know and we sometimes don't, and then "things" go elsewhere. "Things" are bought and sold. "Things" exchange hands allllll day long. "Things" get lost. "Things" get destroyed. "Things" go away.

So I'll go ahead and let my parents do their "thing", but it doesn't stop me from doing mine because my secret weapon is not a "thing". It's not a tangible. And it doesn't "belong" to any one person to alter, rename, remove, change, etc.

It is belief. It is hope. It is faith. It is trust. It is knowledge. And it provides to me all that I may require.

Now then ... ho, ha ha, guard, turn, parry, dodge, spin, ha, thrust ...

7 things I’ve learned in 5 days

* I'm not capable of "crying myself out". I always thought, even growing up, that there was some kind of limit on tears. Turns out, I was wrong, and - actually - I'm ok with that, 'tho I'm also ok with not conducting any further testing on the theory.

* The last time I had an adult-to-adult conversation with my parents was 25 years ago. No joke. I remember THAT conversation vividly. Since that evening, I've experienced: a failed wedding engagement; Cancer; the death of a dear friend from a disease that my parents will probably never understand; the rescuing my sister from two abusive husbands and many many other very serious situations. For whatever reasons I may have offered myself during those times, I didn't address any of these events with my parents. I felt that by not allowing them to be involved, they would not have the opportunity to let me down. I neglected to see that by not allowing them to be involved, they would not have the opportunity to support me, either.

* That second bullet point there could be said about many very important people in my life. I see it now ... and I dearly hope it is not a lesson I have learned too late, but I will allow the opportunity for support, either way.

* Because of my medical history, when I make an Urgent Care appointment on a Sunday afternoon, I'm seen first thing the next day. I will not abuse this "earned privilage", of course, but it came in REALLY handy for me this go-around.

* Sometimes you need to allow your business-life and your personal-life collide. When doing so is appropriate, you will likely learn a lot about the human beings that you work for, and with. And they will, more often than not, pleasantly surprise you. I've received more medical references in the past 4 hours from people whom I'd never expect to offer any advice, let alone personal stories.

* It's ok for me to hope that I'm allowed the opportunity to apply what I've learned over just these past few days (and what I'll continue to learn over the next months) but that's all that it can be is a "hope". I'm only 50% of this equation and the rest of that percentage is NOT for me to "create".

* It's also ok for me to admit, and BELIEVE, something I wrote awhile ago. I am not easy to get to know but ... as it turns out ... I actually *am* worth it - and it's NOT egotistical to say that. It's just that if I'm gonna ask for anyone else to support my goals or recognize my strength, I gotta see it in myself first.

Reach by Collective Soul

In the past week, I've experienced a series of punches to my gut … and heart … that have made me wanna cry.

On Wednesday Jan 30th, my mom called me to tell me my cousin Lisa had had a relapse in her Cancer and went into surgery on Monday for a complete and total mastectomy. Lisa had been doing GREAT and I wanna say she was in her 4th (maybe 5th) year of remission. She'd done chemotherapy and radiation already, and was coming back from it pretty well. When ya' look at her, with her shoulder-length black hair and perpetual smile, you'd never guess what she's been through and now she has to start all over again.

The doctors came out and spoke to Lisa's husband (Marty) and Lisa's mom (Verna). Verna (my mom's sister & my aunt) is a medical lawyer. In CA, this means she went completely through medical school, picked a specialty, practiced it for more than 5 years, and then started on her legal education to become a practicing attorney. Suffice to say, Verna is no dummy. Lisa's doctor explained to Verna what they'd done, and then Verna translated it into "real person speak" for Marty. So Mom called me to give me the unfortunate news. I digested this for an hour or so. And then I picked up the phone and made an appointment for my first mammogram in late February. Considering the combined medical histories of my mom, myself, two of my three aunts, and two of my cousins, waiting until I was 39 was probably unwise, but I at least made the call and set up the appointment.

I spent the rest of my day avoiding thinking too hard. When you work at home, with no interruptions but the occasional yawning of a cat, you have a LOT of time to spend in your head. I've been battling (unsuccessfully, as it turns out) the Winter blues. I have NO desire to spend time in my head - I know what's there. I have plans, and some pretty great changes happening later this year, so I've been preparing myself for that time. In looking at this now, I have been ignoring myself. Probably not the BRIGHTEST thing I've done – but (and Scott can attest to this actually), I'm best at taking care of everyone else. If there's no one else that I can take care of but me, I find a task and bury myself in it – be it selling a business, sprucing up a home to sell, traveling to the South to be productive in rebuilding a community, etc. I find me boring. I am not worth my time. Wow – that's interesting to write.

So anyway … on Friday, Feb 1st, my mom called me to tell me that Verna has been diagnosed with inoperable lung cancer. She would have about three years if she went through chemotherapy. Thing is, Verna has never been blessed with good health. She became a doctor because she spent so much of her childhood ill. ("Ill" as in "she spent 2 of her 4 years in high school totally bedridden".) Her doctors told her that her body will not tolerate chemo. Without chemo, her doctors have told her that she probably has a year. My mom is devastated. Of her three siblings, she has but one sister – and her two brothers dropped out of the family quite awhile ago. This is her older sister. My mom was in her early 20s and she (and Verna) watched their father die of lung cancer. It was, in my mom's words, "a death I would wish on no human being. Ever." And now she will watch as her sister experiences it first-hand.

I hung up the phone, experiencing deep sadness for my mom, and my aunt, and my cousin … but I noticed I was not crying. I actually *noticed* this. Now, I cry at Hallmark ads. I cry when I read a sad story. I cry at slow, sad songs. But even with ALL this tragic news happening in my family … not a tear. "Good for me", I thought. All in all, I was handling this pathos pretty well.

It was later that day, when the person I'm closest to, the person who I've spent almost a year getting to know and falling deeply in love with, the person with whom I'd like to build a future, decided that I am so deeply stuck in my blues, he needs to distance himself from me.

And I seem to have NO problem crying now.

************************

It's been a couple of days since I've had all this occur. I have wallowed and begged and pleaded. I've sobbed and curled up and stared at my email, willing for an escape. I've TRIED to go about my day, only to return home, having done nothing, because it's not safe for me to drive when I cannot see. I have reached out annnnnd curled back up again. I've *tried* to sleep and find myself waking at 2am, sometimes 3am, in tears. I am trying to give distance, but I have lost a friend, and I miss him greatly.

I'm not stupid - this isn't good. I have come to the conclusion you've all probably had of me for awhile now. I believe I need help. So my new thing for 2008, it seems, will be to get professional help. I need to do this. For me. Those around me will benefit in some fashion, I'm sure, but this - this is completely for me.

The thing is … and this isn't easy for me but I gotta do it ... I'm probably gonna need y'all to help me out a little, ok? That means reaching out. I'm asking you to please reach out to me. It may be uncomfortable for you to do so but, if it helps at all, I'm NOT comfortable asking.

And I'd apologize for my extra-long post today, but I'm not sorry about it. I have too many other things to be sorry about.