Say what?

I’ll bet you have heard this expression (or something like it): It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it.

For instance, let’s say that you know an individual that you’ve worked with for many years. You know this person – we’ll call him “Bruce” - well enough to realize that, outside of work, you’d never hang out with him. In fact, you know Bruce well enough to think “wow – Bruce is kinda annoying.” So Bruce tells you at the water-cooler that he’s interviewing for a different job and asks for a letter of recommendation from you. You hesitate … you don’t really like Bruce, after all, but you have a chance to help him to leave, right? But you want to keep your integrity intact. How do you do this?

Well it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it. You write the following email:
I can honestly say that no one could do this task quite like Bruce.
Bruce’s contributions to the department have made a significant impact
and his absence will be deeply felt. I have no doubt I will read of the
accomplishments of Bruce in no time at all.

There – now that wasn’t so hard right? After all, you were telling the truth. A blow-hard like Bruce will, no doubt, be sending you emails of all the fabulousness that he’s done in his new job so you will read of his accomplishments. Bruce gets his letter and glows with pride and you don’t have any lost sleep.

Communicating effectively is 99.62% about tone and facial clues and .38% about actual verbage. Don’t believe me? Well you would if you could hear and watch me rattle off those statistics. I’ve been involved in more miscommunications over the past three years simply because the person on the other end of the computer (and that’s important so we’ll come back to that) was in the wrong frame of mind and read what I didn't write.

How does this happen? Well easy – there are more ways to e-communicate than ever – text messages, chat rooms, group boards, email, instant messaging – and each time you write literally ANYTHING in these modes, the receiver reads, in their heads, what you’ve written, but IN THEIR OWN TONE. (I don’t mean to “yell”, sorry.)

The thing is that some of these are very instant types of communications – so when I write “*omg*" in a chat room, that could read as “the cat just meowed and it was funny” to someone or “the house is on fire” to someone else. It really depends on what their circumstances are when they’re reading it. Even “*sigh*”, a commonly used term in chats, can be VERY loaded when read. Is that “*sigh*, I’m bored” or is it more of a “*sigh* WhatEVER! I’m tired of trying to explain myself and you're probably too dumb to get it anyway” or “*sigh*, I’m checking to see if you’re still there”?

Hell, even something like “you’re welcome” can be the most misleading thing to read at the wrong moment. When read in a good mood, “you’re welcome” means that you’re being thanked for a job appreciated. Not in a good mood? That “you’re welcome” just became “you coulda thanked me, you useless prick. Next time just figure it out for yourself, loser.” This is how online flames are ignited.

Anyway, I’m sure that anyone could have figured this out. You’re welcome.

We Don't Need Another Hero

This weekend it was reported that actress Christina Applegate has breast cancer. Which woulda been crappy enough if that’s how it was announced. Instead, the headlines read things like “Applegate Ill”, “Christina’s Brave Fight” … you get the picture. The news sources are practically writing up her obituary when describing who she is and what she’s done in all of her 36 years. Nice – I’m SURE that she just loves reading that. Show of hands – did you know that Christina is on a current show? Can you name it? Do you know which network carries it? Do you watch it? Do you wanna bet that show gets an incredible boost in ratings this week? Don’t you think that, as an actress, Christina would prefer being acknowledged and appreciated for her acting skills vs. being displayed by the media as the “amazing cancer-fighting actress” that they’ve already started to prep her to be?

As it is, I can’t tell you how much of a non-fan I am of Lance Armstrong, and it’s really not even his fault. He’s an amazing athlete in his field, I’m sure. (Full disclosure - I’m not a “biking-sport-race-fan” type person.) And his doctors helped him through a particularly nasty cancer, it’s true. But combining those two “achievements” (using that term loosely) doesn’t make him any more brave, heroic, or admirable than the person sitting next to you in the Cancer ward of your local hospital. What he’s done since his recovery is very nice, don’t get me wrong – but he’s still just a guy who found a tax-shelter that supports a health issue he’s VERY interested in, yanno? I’m sure he still thinks nasty stuff when the driver in front of him won’t turn right on a red light. And that should be alright – but we don’t allow ourselves to believe that of him. Nope – Lance is a nifty guy *always*. He was a nifty guy when his marriage didn’t work out and he left his family. He was a nifty guy when his ex-girlfriend was diagnosed with cancer and he called her to say some version of “wow – sucks to be you”. He’s always just a swell guy. It’s not very fair – or realistic - to hold someone to that standard twenty-four, seven.

Society has this NEED for heroes. We, as a body, want to elevate those that meet or exceed certain requirements, be it in political office or sporting, music or entertainment venues, and hold them up as the ultimate in their field … they are what we all hope to aspire to be. But I promise you that Christina and Lance would have been just as happy to be “just” an actress or “just” a cyclist.

Sadly, the only thing that society craves more than heroes are targets. As fast as we can elevate one person to impossible heights, we’ll find three to push off and watch them fall to the ground so that we can examine, in the publicly-available microscope of “the press”, each flaw, every crack, and any possible “difference” in order to crow, laugh or ridicule. How else could we possible feel better about the ugly mess that our own lives have become but to find someone in worse off shape to point out as "well, there ya' go. That's what happens."

So while Christina, Lance, and the rest of “the club members” may be viewed as being especially brave, strong, courageous, spirited, plucky, and/or gutsy (words I've all been told, btw), just remember that they not only put their pants on one leg at a time, but they have their “I don’t want to get out of bed” days just like everyone else.

They just get more press when that happens.

Ramblin' randomness

* The phone folks that deal with claims all seem to have great senses of humor. When I call them to tell them I won't be filing a claim for a fender-bender that I caused, even 'tho my car suffered far more damage than the Camry in front of me, they ask me why. I tell them that I LIKE my car having bruises - it makes those around me nervous. My guess is that not many people call them in HAPPY moods. I like that I make 'em laugh.

* I've carried off a surprise something to various nation-wide households in the past two weeks. I'll be done by August 5th. Knowing who glances at these scribbles, I can FINALLY write about feeling kinda nifty for having done this. Yay, me.

* How could I have failed to plan for my down time of unemployment? How did I miss that I'd be sitting on my sizable butt waiting for the hiring manager to return from sabbatical "sometime" in August and not think "Hmmmm - wonder what I'll do during that time?"

* Filing for unemployment in my state means I need to tell them about the past 18 months of employment history. That'd be one employer for me - a company I was at for 6 years and 4 months. My state wants to know my wages from said employer. HOLY CATS!!!! Sure, I have that at my fingertips ... Anyway, I found it (thank you, tax team!) and ... wow, that's a hell of a number.

* Why did TMobile drop FaceBook onto my Blackberry? I'm a little outta that age range, aren't I? Note to self: Visit TMobile tomorrow and ask them who their target useage market is. Find out if it includes cougars.

* On paper, I'm a bit of a mess. The basic facts are that I'm over 35, unemployed, live with my two cats in an apartment, and have Cancer. So does my Aunt. So does my Cousin. So does my Mom.

* That last factoid is news to you, I know. I'm not gonna talk about it, except to say that she's fine - it's skin-related, on her face, has been removed, it's not the first time, and again she's fine. That is all - moving on.

* My dear father, who calls me to tell me FASCINATING crap like "those goofy hens of mine got out last night" or "you'll never guess what we had for lunch the other day" didn't call me in advance of his annual fishing trip to Alaska. This was his first out-of-state trip since his heart attack last year and the reason he didn't call me the night before he left was he was nervous. I know this NOT because he told me so - but because I am his kid and I'd do the same thing. He's returned home safe and sound (with LOTS of fish), and we'll talk this weekend about everything except his health.

* Those who want to know me should get to know my family first. I'm like this because of them.

* Is it ok that I called myself a cougar?

Happy Friday to you. It's now 2:35pm and time for a Hot Chocolate. Be good, take fun - have care.