in no particular order ...
This is my first holiday season not spent in the shade of the family tree. I thought this would be ... more emotional? ... but am happy to report that overall it's been alright.
Speaking of family, the news on my cousin Lisa (who was fighting things at the same time as her mom was, and as I was) is ... mixed. She's spent the last month and a half in ICU, having contacted pneumonia while her immune system was compromised. She's finally been moved from ICU into a private room but is still unable to breathe unassisted and is being kept in a pretty heavy drug-induced state. The wound from her procedure has finally showed signs of closing (ten months later) and the doctors believe she'll be in the hospital for a few more months in various stages of care. They won't discuss any real plans until she can breathe on her own. I feel ... guilt? I had it so easy and yet I still found reason to complain.
I spent close to two hours locked inside my own bathroom yesterday morning. I was all prepared to write about THAT today but the mood just doesn't seem right. It's a funny story that I'll share at some point and, while I come off looking like a complete and total moron in it, it's pretty typical for how I envision myself at times - filled with the best intentions and getting in my own way of success.
I won't admit this out loud (so don't ask) but the shakes I've been experiencing in my right arm are worrying me more than I show. And I know I should get a doctor's opinion but ... well ... actually, that should read "I know I should get a doctor's opinion" and then end with just ".". So I'll do that instead.
The reason that this isn't a "I spent 2 hours locked in my own bathroom and lived to write about it" post is from being so happy at The Awesome Boyfriend's news yesterday. Everything that seemed wrong or unfair or just plain sucky just ... went away.
I managed to make three sweet potato pies yesterday, for the first time in my life. I was overall pretty happy with the results. (I've also never microwaved a potato (sweet or otherwise). I SHOULD have been doing lots of other things besides baking (Christmas Cards come immediately to mind) but ... making pies worked. And hey - it heated up the house a little, too.
A public note to the woman talking WAYYYY too loud in the coffee shop earlier today: Thank you for feeling so open to sharing your sexual history to the entire population enjoying their morning java. You're right ... there IS a difference between him wanting you and needing you and you shouldn't just be a default choice for him between sleeping alone and sleeping with someone. One minor little comment though, if I may ... perhaps this would have been a better discussion to have with your friend over coffee in a private location. Or, here's a wild thought ... maybe you should be talking to the guy in question. In either event, I'm pretty sure the man who left with his grandson as you were getting more and more graphic now gets to answer questions that he may not be fully prepared to respond to.
And, finally, let me just add this
29 years and this loss is still felt globally.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Thursday, December 3, 2009
It's Right There In Black And White
Post-move, the frenzy of "feathering the nest" has, for the most part, slowed way down. We've been looking for an entertainment stand (not one of those "centers" that takes over a room - just a long, fairly low-profile bench-style wooden cabinet) which will hold the TV (which we also haven't yet purchased) in the living room and a few lamps or end tables, and then we'll turn our attention to the spare bedroom/office (which lacks a bed and a workspace currently) but that's really about it.
One Christmas when I was a young kid, I watched with envy as my sister opened her very own TV, which she'd be placing in her bedroom and would begin to lord it over me. It wasn't so much that I wanted a TV in my bedroom, but more about her having one and my not.
As a teen, I turned my attention more towards music, my friends, boys, my pet birds, and shopping (not necessarily in that order) and it never entered my head to ask for a TV for my bedroom. I never missed it and it never occurred to me that I didn't have one.
In the various studios and apartments that I've lived in since then, the TV always was placed in the living room. If there was anything in the bedroom that was plugged in, it was either a clock radio, a stereo or a reading lamp.
(I'm leading up to something here, I promise.)
Yesterday, shortly after 11am, a 42-inch TV was delivered to my door, and was installed in the master bedroom. As it was sitting on a corner-shaped stand, it didn't take up nearly as much room as I was originally fearing it would. I decided to connect the BluRay/DVD player to it and get it in working order so that, when the awesome boyfriend visited later in the day, he'd be pleased with the newest item in the home.
I read through the "easy set up guide" (don't even get me started on THAT) and followed the suggested connections to the letter, put batteries in both remote controls and got things up and running (after a few false starts). After programming the time and date on the TV, I fired up the BluRay/DVD. (It's a very nice machine ... literally. It started with a message to me ... "Welcome" and then "please wait")
I loaded the only BluRay I had at my disposal - the very classic holiday movie "It's a Wonderful Life" - and lo and behold, after a few more whirrs and clicks, there was Frank Capra's quaint title screen. Crisp. Sharp. Clear ... and with sound, even. I was thrilled and decided to test my success with a DVD, just to be sure that it wasn't a fluke. I grabbed a DVD that the awesome boyfriend had loaned to me, and ejected the BluRay disc. The DVD loaded and ...
it was crisp. Sharp. Clear and with sound. But ... it was in black and white. And I moved connections around but couldn't get it to show in anything BUT black and white. I read the setup guide suggestions again. I turned things off. I rotated plugs. I stared at the diagram. I stared at the back of the TV. I stared at the back of the BluRay/DVD player. I turned things back on again and in a different order. Black and white. Drat - why had the BluRay worked so well but the DVD wouldn't cooperate?
And it was that moment when I realized that my first success? Yeah, I had loaded a black and white movie.
****************************************
(It should be noted that the awesome boyfriend fixed this issue in the first 5 minutes of being home.)
One Christmas when I was a young kid, I watched with envy as my sister opened her very own TV, which she'd be placing in her bedroom and would begin to lord it over me. It wasn't so much that I wanted a TV in my bedroom, but more about her having one and my not.
As a teen, I turned my attention more towards music, my friends, boys, my pet birds, and shopping (not necessarily in that order) and it never entered my head to ask for a TV for my bedroom. I never missed it and it never occurred to me that I didn't have one.
In the various studios and apartments that I've lived in since then, the TV always was placed in the living room. If there was anything in the bedroom that was plugged in, it was either a clock radio, a stereo or a reading lamp.
(I'm leading up to something here, I promise.)
Yesterday, shortly after 11am, a 42-inch TV was delivered to my door, and was installed in the master bedroom. As it was sitting on a corner-shaped stand, it didn't take up nearly as much room as I was originally fearing it would. I decided to connect the BluRay/DVD player to it and get it in working order so that, when the awesome boyfriend visited later in the day, he'd be pleased with the newest item in the home.
I read through the "easy set up guide" (don't even get me started on THAT) and followed the suggested connections to the letter, put batteries in both remote controls and got things up and running (after a few false starts). After programming the time and date on the TV, I fired up the BluRay/DVD. (It's a very nice machine ... literally. It started with a message to me ... "Welcome" and then "please wait")
I loaded the only BluRay I had at my disposal - the very classic holiday movie "It's a Wonderful Life" - and lo and behold, after a few more whirrs and clicks, there was Frank Capra's quaint title screen. Crisp. Sharp. Clear ... and with sound, even. I was thrilled and decided to test my success with a DVD, just to be sure that it wasn't a fluke. I grabbed a DVD that the awesome boyfriend had loaned to me, and ejected the BluRay disc. The DVD loaded and ...
it was crisp. Sharp. Clear and with sound. But ... it was in black and white. And I moved connections around but couldn't get it to show in anything BUT black and white. I read the setup guide suggestions again. I turned things off. I rotated plugs. I stared at the diagram. I stared at the back of the TV. I stared at the back of the BluRay/DVD player. I turned things back on again and in a different order. Black and white. Drat - why had the BluRay worked so well but the DVD wouldn't cooperate?
And it was that moment when I realized that my first success? Yeah, I had loaded a black and white movie.
****************************************
(It should be noted that the awesome boyfriend fixed this issue in the first 5 minutes of being home.)
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Things That Make Me Laugh When I Read Them
SIDE EFFECTS
by Steve Martin (yes, THAT Steve Martin). Originally published in The New Yorker, April 13, 1998.
DOSAGE: Take two tablets every six hours for joint pain.
SIDE EFFECTS: This drug may cause joint pain, nausea, head-ache, or shortness of breath. You may also experience muscle aches, rapid heartbeat, and ringing in the ears. If you feel faint, call your doctor. Do not consume alcohol while taking this pill; likewise, avoid red meat, shellfish, and vegetables. O.K. foods: flounder. Under no circumstances eat yak.
Men can expect painful urination while sitting, especially if the penis is caught between the toilet seat and the bowl. Projectile vomiting is common in thirty per cent of users - sorry, fifty per cent. If you undergo disorienting nausea accompanied by migraine and raspy breathing, double the dosage. Leg cramps are to be expected; one knee-buckler per day is normal. Bowel movements may become frequent-in fact, every ten minutes. If bowel movements become greater than twelve per hour, consult your doctor, or any doctor, or just anyone who will speak to you.
You may find yourself becoming lost or vague; this would be a good time to write a screenplay. Do not pilot a plane, unless you are among the ten per cent of users who experience "spontaneous test-pilot knowledge". If your hair begins to smell like burning tires, move away from any buildings or populated areas, and apply tincture of iodine to the head until you no longer hear what could be taken for a "countdown". May cause stigmata in Mexicans.
If a fungus starts to grow between your eyebrows, call the Guinness Book of World Records. May induce a tendency to compulsively repeat the phrase "no can do". This drug may cause visions of the Virgin Mary to appear in treetops. If this happens, open a souvenir shop. There may be an overwhelming impulse to shout out during a Catholic Mass "I'm gonna whoop you wid da ugly stick!" You may feel a powerful sense of impending doom; this is because you are about to die.
Men may experience impotence, but only during intercourse. Otherwise, a powerful erection will accompany your daily "walking-around time". Do not take this product if you are uneasy with lockjaw. Do not be near a ringing telephone that works at 900 MHz or you will be very dead, very fast. We are assuming you have had chicken pox. You also may experience a growing dissatisfaction with life along with a deep sense of melancholy - join the club!
Do not be concerned if you arouse a few ticks from a Geiger counter. You might want to get a one-month trial subscription to Extreme Fighting. The hook shape of the pill will often cause it to become caught in the larynx. To remove, jam a finger down your throat while a friend holds your nose to prevent the pill from lodging in a nasal passage. T hen throw yourself stomach first on the back portion of a chair. The expulsion of air should eject the pill out of the mouth, unless it goes into a sinus cavity, or the brain.
WARNING: This drug may shorten your intestines by twenty-one feet. Has been known to cause birth defects in the user retroactively. Passing in front of TV may cause the screen to moiré. Women often feel a loss of libido, including a whole octave lowering of the voice, an increase in ankle hair, and perhaps the lowering of a testicle. If this happens, women should write a detailed description of their last three sexual encounters and mail it to me, Bob, Trailer Six, Fancyland Trailer Park, Encino, CA. Or E-mail me at bobathot-guydotcom.
Discontinue use immediately if you feel that your teeth are receiving radio broadcasts. You may experience "lumpy back" syndrome, but we are actively seeking a cure. Bloated fingertips on the heart-side hand are common. When finished with the dosage, be sure to allow plenty of "quiet time" in order to retrain the eye to move off stationary objects. Flotation devices at sea will become pointless, as the user of this drug will develop a stone-like body density; therefore, if thrown overboard, contact your doctor.
This product may contain one or more of the following: bungee cord, plankton, rubber, crack cocaine, pork bladders, aromatic oils, gunpowder, corn husk, glue, bee pollen, dung, English muffin, poached eggs, ham, Hollandaise sauce, crushed saxophone reeds.
Sensations of levitation are illusory, as is the sensation of having a "phantom" third arm. Users may experience certain inversions of language. Acceptable: "Hi, are how you?" Unacceptable: "The rain in Sprain slays blainly on the phsssst."
Twenty minutes after taking the pills, you will feel an insatiable craving to take another dose. AVOID THIS WITH ALL YOUR POWER. It is advisable to have a friend handcuff you to a large kitchen appliance, ESPECIALLY ONE THAT WILL NOT FIT THROUGH THE DOORWAY TO WHERE THE PILLS ARE. You should also be out of reach of any weapon-like utensil with which you could threaten friends or family, who should also be briefed to not give you the pills, no matter how much you sweet-talk them. Notice: This drug is legal in the United States only when the user is straddling a state line.
by Steve Martin (yes, THAT Steve Martin). Originally published in The New Yorker, April 13, 1998.
DOSAGE: Take two tablets every six hours for joint pain.
SIDE EFFECTS: This drug may cause joint pain, nausea, head-ache, or shortness of breath. You may also experience muscle aches, rapid heartbeat, and ringing in the ears. If you feel faint, call your doctor. Do not consume alcohol while taking this pill; likewise, avoid red meat, shellfish, and vegetables. O.K. foods: flounder. Under no circumstances eat yak.
Men can expect painful urination while sitting, especially if the penis is caught between the toilet seat and the bowl. Projectile vomiting is common in thirty per cent of users - sorry, fifty per cent. If you undergo disorienting nausea accompanied by migraine and raspy breathing, double the dosage. Leg cramps are to be expected; one knee-buckler per day is normal. Bowel movements may become frequent-in fact, every ten minutes. If bowel movements become greater than twelve per hour, consult your doctor, or any doctor, or just anyone who will speak to you.
You may find yourself becoming lost or vague; this would be a good time to write a screenplay. Do not pilot a plane, unless you are among the ten per cent of users who experience "spontaneous test-pilot knowledge". If your hair begins to smell like burning tires, move away from any buildings or populated areas, and apply tincture of iodine to the head until you no longer hear what could be taken for a "countdown". May cause stigmata in Mexicans.
If a fungus starts to grow between your eyebrows, call the Guinness Book of World Records. May induce a tendency to compulsively repeat the phrase "no can do". This drug may cause visions of the Virgin Mary to appear in treetops. If this happens, open a souvenir shop. There may be an overwhelming impulse to shout out during a Catholic Mass "I'm gonna whoop you wid da ugly stick!" You may feel a powerful sense of impending doom; this is because you are about to die.
Men may experience impotence, but only during intercourse. Otherwise, a powerful erection will accompany your daily "walking-around time". Do not take this product if you are uneasy with lockjaw. Do not be near a ringing telephone that works at 900 MHz or you will be very dead, very fast. We are assuming you have had chicken pox. You also may experience a growing dissatisfaction with life along with a deep sense of melancholy - join the club!
Do not be concerned if you arouse a few ticks from a Geiger counter. You might want to get a one-month trial subscription to Extreme Fighting. The hook shape of the pill will often cause it to become caught in the larynx. To remove, jam a finger down your throat while a friend holds your nose to prevent the pill from lodging in a nasal passage. T hen throw yourself stomach first on the back portion of a chair. The expulsion of air should eject the pill out of the mouth, unless it goes into a sinus cavity, or the brain.
WARNING: This drug may shorten your intestines by twenty-one feet. Has been known to cause birth defects in the user retroactively. Passing in front of TV may cause the screen to moiré. Women often feel a loss of libido, including a whole octave lowering of the voice, an increase in ankle hair, and perhaps the lowering of a testicle. If this happens, women should write a detailed description of their last three sexual encounters and mail it to me, Bob, Trailer Six, Fancyland Trailer Park, Encino, CA. Or E-mail me at bobathot-guydotcom.
Discontinue use immediately if you feel that your teeth are receiving radio broadcasts. You may experience "lumpy back" syndrome, but we are actively seeking a cure. Bloated fingertips on the heart-side hand are common. When finished with the dosage, be sure to allow plenty of "quiet time" in order to retrain the eye to move off stationary objects. Flotation devices at sea will become pointless, as the user of this drug will develop a stone-like body density; therefore, if thrown overboard, contact your doctor.
This product may contain one or more of the following: bungee cord, plankton, rubber, crack cocaine, pork bladders, aromatic oils, gunpowder, corn husk, glue, bee pollen, dung, English muffin, poached eggs, ham, Hollandaise sauce, crushed saxophone reeds.
Sensations of levitation are illusory, as is the sensation of having a "phantom" third arm. Users may experience certain inversions of language. Acceptable: "Hi, are how you?" Unacceptable: "The rain in Sprain slays blainly on the phsssst."
Twenty minutes after taking the pills, you will feel an insatiable craving to take another dose. AVOID THIS WITH ALL YOUR POWER. It is advisable to have a friend handcuff you to a large kitchen appliance, ESPECIALLY ONE THAT WILL NOT FIT THROUGH THE DOORWAY TO WHERE THE PILLS ARE. You should also be out of reach of any weapon-like utensil with which you could threaten friends or family, who should also be briefed to not give you the pills, no matter how much you sweet-talk them. Notice: This drug is legal in the United States only when the user is straddling a state line.
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