Book ’em

I've been really battling myself over this last trip to Biloxi (and, if ya' don't believe me, just read my October 19th entry). I did the "list of positives, list of negatives" thing, I've done the "drive to clear your head" thing, I've talked with work friends, friends that I've known since kindergarten, and everyone in-between. The only three people I haven't asked are my parents and my sister. I guess I haven't asked my folks because I don't want them to know that I'm even struggling with this at all. I think they'd just tell me to stop being silly and go. I haven't asked my sister because she's been away all last week on a business trip. So that'd point to "yeah, I should go".

The past 5 trips have been a real mixed bag for me.

Trip 1 was probably the most meaningful for me, as I learned the most and noticed EVERYTHING.

Trip 2 was flat out fun, because I knew more about where I'd be going, who I'd be working with, and the group was small enough and friendly enough that there were no staff issues.

Trip 3 was FAR too much work – there were TOO many people, too many independent folks going wherever, often without checking in, and when we had tornado warnings, I honestly wasn't even sure where more than ½ the team was or how to get ahold of them. I spent too much of my down time being grumpy. Having said that, having a group this large meant that our nightly updates on who had worked on what were a lot more interesting to me, because I often was unaware as to what the rest of the team had done all day. We also had the BEST group down-times (even with my mood) because there was SO much energy to play off from.

Trip 4 was a chore, because of three things: (1) I knew that my two closest friends (Jim and Nancy) wouldn't be there; (2) "Captain KillJoy" was our team leader and he turned out to be a well-intentioned ass-wipe; and (3) another member of our team made a bunch of pretty ugly assumptions about yours truly.

Trip 5 was good, if not rather quiet. We were a tiny group, we spent the week doing one task, but we had a good time on our off-hours and the other two members of the team had a MOSTLY open mind about us being there. OH, I'll add that this was probably the MOST educational trip because a friend of mine who lives in Louisiana met us for lunch and addressed the issues between Mississippi and Louisiana.

So I don't really know what Trip 6 will bring for me. My goal is, of course, closure. I'm 95% certain that any future trips to this area will NOT be made with my current employer. I'm 100% sure that any future work I do with the non-profit that I've teamed with to do this type of work will be somewhere else, because they'll be closing down their Mississippi site at the end of this year. (And yes, they've already opened up in San Diego, CA.) All signs point to this being my last visit to Pass Road in Gulfport, MS and I wanna do my best to sum it all up.

But, to do that, I have to go.

So stay tuned – Biloxi Blog, Week 6 starts next Sunday, November 4th.

(To get in the mood, I'm listening to Rissi Palmer's "Country Girl". Take a listen and watch her video.)

The Devil, you say ...

"Better the Devil you know than the Devil you don't."

"Run like the Devil."

"The Devil made me do it."

"He's a handsome Devil."

"The Devil inside ..."

"The Devil is in the details."

"The Devil came down to Georgia, lookin' for a soul to steal ..."

"Speak of the Devil …"

"Between the Devil and the deep blue sea."

"Idle hands are the Devil's tools."

"Give the Devil his due."

"Devil's advocate"

"How the Devil are you?"

"Tell the truth and shame the Devil."

"Shake hands with the Devil."

"The body of an angel with the Devil inside."

"The Devil works overtime."

Well come on and let me know - should I stay or should I go?

Well, Dad had his 4:30pm appt on Wednesday with his regular doctor, and a cardiologist. They reviewed what tests had been done, the results FROM those tests, xrays, dyes injected, blah blah blah. They noticed that the massive blood thinners they'd injected into him had awakened the gout in his knee, and that even WITH all the meds in him, the upper chambers of his heart were STILL working double-time, so they admitted him to the ICU.

It's a strange dance – when you wish, hope, pray for something, and your wish comes true, your hope becomes fruition, or your prayer is answered … and you realize you'd wished, hoped, prayed for the wrong thing. We're a greedy lot, we humans. We get what we ask for and keep our hands raised saying "whoops – what I MEANT to say was ..." The prayers went something like "Please get him back home safely". Can't say that wasn't answered. This was how it was meant to be, I am NOT questioning it. I just … I can't say I love it all that much.

So late Thursday afternoon, he was moved from the ICU to a regular room. The head of the Cardiology unit likes firefighters, so he's taken a special interest in my father's health. As such, the current plan of attack is that my father will go on massive blood thinners that he'll both inject and ingest, for three weeks. Every other day, he'll have to submit to blood work at the hospital. At the end of three weeks, the thinners should have done their work, and they'll sedate him and give the upper chambers of his heart a VERY MINOR shock, in an effort to realign the beats of the upper and lower chambers of his heart. The theory on this is that three weeks will thin his blood enough to allow for this small 'jump' to occur without causing any further damage.

And, while it's NOT about me … three weeks from now is when I would be scheduled for Biloxi.

See – THIS is where being an adult completely and totally blows. I know that I've said these trips will happen WITH OR WITHOUT ME, and they would. Hell, no one gave Eva, Kerry Ann, Paula or I any direction when we took this trip the first time, so I'm VERY confident that the team in November would have no issues finding their way around sans my involvement. So I can't say that I "gotta be there for the team" 'cause that's just exquisite bullshit. There's a part of me – a loud, self-serving, egotistical, self-absorbed part of me that wants to see this through. And that's NOT why I should go, and I know this … but closure. Damn it all, there's just *so much in my life that I've never had closure to* and I really don't want to add this project onto the already listing pile.

So ya' know how everyone keeps saying that my doing this work is just so great and giving and all? Truth is – honest – it's not. I get SO much outta doing it, I feel like I should be paying to have the option to do it. I know that I shouldn't go *and* I know that I can't stop living my life and wait by the phone for good (or bad) news. I know that I SHOULD go *and* I know that I will never, ever forgive myself if my mother is dealt another blow without having at least one daughter by her side.

Honestly – I'd like to open this up. I've heard stories already that range from "go and call them everyday and know that you can ALWAYS get on a plane and come home in less than 12 hours" to "I went, against my own wishes, and my father passed away less than 24 hours after I'd left". I'm NOT asking anyone to relive anything painful. I'm just … well, I'm a little lost and kinda fuzzy.

So whatcha got? Anyone?