More of More

More about "What It Means" ...

• It means swallowing your angst and ignoring your past injuries.
  


• It means giving your last length of rope to them, even if that's all you were holding onto.
  
  
• It means having the hard conversations about what the future may hold and hearing yourself say things like "I'd be alright" even when the very thought of those things actually happening makes your stomach turn.
  
  
• It means listening to their dreams - not always adopting them as YOUR dreams, but listening and wanting them to come true.
  
  
• It means being happy to hear the shower going because you know they're home with you.
  
  
• It means being honest enough to say "I'm sorry - I wasn't really listening. Can you repeat that?" and knowing that they'd rather you admit that than just nod along and say "that's nice, dear".
  
  
• It means waking up in a cold sweat at night in their arms as they say "it's ok, you're safe" and being grateful that they already know what to say, even 'tho you haven't told them what was wrong.
  
  
• It means explaining your family and all the various oddities therein, because you want to warn them and share with them all at the same time.
  
  
• It means being excited when they share about their past, because it adds to your future.
  
  
• It means feeling yourself lighten, just a little, when they smile.
  

That's even more of what it means to love someone.

Similar But Different

While growing up, when my sister and I would frustrate our parents (and we often did), my folks would mix up our names. I'm guessing that's a common problem in families with more than one child and, when at the breaking point, one cannot fault a parent who looks at their child and thinks "now what the hell is their name again?"

That aside, my sister and I have always been more different than alike. In fact, it turns out that all we had to do to be closer is not live in the same house. True story - the day she moved out, we became each others #1 supporters and biggest fans. She always had my back and I always had hers, no question. Even so, life gets in the way and we didn't always make the time to talk to one another. Like any other close relationship, my sister and I have our "practically best friends" periods and our "I can't relate" periods. We're currently in a "practically best friends" period and she calls me about twice a week.

I wish I could write about how much I've been enjoying our conversations. I wish I could share how much I laugh during our chats, how happy I feel afterwards, how much I look forward to our next phone call. I wish I could ...

After our talk today, I walked into the living room, sat down, and I heard myself sigh. Perhaps hearing me - or just sensing my mood - Tabby strolled over and asked to come sit on my lap for a bit, which I encouraged. Cats are good for that kind of thing. I mused for awhile. Just because you completely love and support someone doesn't mean you agree with them all the time. My sister is making some pretty heavy life changes these days that we both agree will be good for her overall but ... ... I'm not thrilled about how little these decisions seem to be weighing on her.

I can't help but think back to directional changes in my life that I made last year and how much time and energy I spent coming to those decisions. I wonder if I seemed to make any of those choices easily. I did not ... even though I knew that the final result would be best for me. Because I agree with her ultimate decision, I don't feel it necessary to ask "are you sure this is the best solution?" or "have you satisfied every other option in your eyes?" It's possible that she really is struggling with these questions or, more likely, has been struggling on them for months and months already. I want to be able to say "good job - now move onwards" to her and really mean it.

I guess I worry that her seemingly cavalier actions could be seen as echoing my beliefs ... and, recognizing that as a selfish thought, I then beat myself up for losing focus on the bigger picture. She supported me completely and never outwardly doubted my actions last year. I will do the same for her now - not out of obligation, but out of love.

More of "What It Means"

I started this last month and said there would be more. It seems most fitting, during this time of year, to continue onwards.

• It's hearing them sleep and smiling, just because you know they're near.


• It's being proud of them for their spirit, their drive, their goals because you realize those things are important to them.


• It's wanting to hold them in the middle of the day for no reason at all.


• It's sometimes seeing glimpses of the child they were, and smiling at their sweetness.


• It's saying things like "drive safely" as they walk out the door at 6:15am and really meaning it, not just saying it as a habit.


• It's feeling alright for being goofy in front of them, knowing that they won't think any less of you for sometimes being a kook.


• It's hearing them say words like "home" and "we" and "us" and feeling a warmth inside because you realize you're a part of that equation.


• It's being strong enough on your own that you DON'T make the other person your reason for breathing, but being brave enough to let them know you breathe easier because of them.


• It's walking towards them as they wait for you from an errand, and feeling yourself just grin a little wider because you know you'll be by their side again.


• It's knowing that neither of you need a designated day to tell the other what they mean to you, because you share that information all the time.

That's a little more of what it means to love someone.