Who Do You Trust?

Because of ... let's say "medical reasons", I've been spending quite a bit of time thinking of my health, hospitals, doctors, tests, etc.  I think it's safe to say that folks tend to ignore thinking of these things when all is well.  Very few individuals who are perfectly well and don't work in medicine wake up in a cold sweat thinking "why can't doctors spend more time explaining why they prescribe one medication and not another?".

I find myself defending decisions like that lately.  I don't like it.  And knowing that I'm defending these decisions against information gathered from an internet search?  It makes me so damn angry that people can be that stupid.

(Sidenote:  Did you know that out of 500 internet search phrases, the term "Gandhi walked on the moon" is still ranking higher than "Walt Disney's lifelong friendship with Fidel Castro"?  Wow - you didn't know that?  I found it on the web so it MUST be true.  Except I'm lying - I didn't find it on the web.  But I just wrote it so it's there now.  See how reliable that is?!?)

Meanwhile, I come by my medical ignorance honestly.  Even when faced with terms that apply to me, I choose to know only what is necessary when it is required ... four W's and one H:  What is wrong?, Why is it happening?, What are we gonna do about it?, When does it go away?, and How do I ensure it doesn't happen again?

And I tend to ask professionals these questions (when at all possible).  Let me put it this way ... the internet is, largely, anonymous.  Anyone can write anything.  We'd LIKE to believe that everyone always has the best of intentions ... but we know better than that.  Trusting strangers with important things is dangerous.  That butthead that cut you off in traffic could be the one telling you that bees are repelled by olive oil - do you trust him?  The librarian that extended your book loan may be the one giving step-by-step directions on a do-it-yourself kidney removal ... is she the best person to get this info from?

Sure it's possible that the bad driver is a pest removal expert and the librarian is a retired surgeon ... but what if they aren't?  Do you wanna be that gullible?  Because we all know that it was actually Disney who walked on the moon.  Why else would he name Mickey's dog Pluto?

Tag! Someone Else Can Be "It"

I remember.  I remember all too well, actually. I remember how safe and how comfortable my mom made the rest of us felt when she went to get her knee replaced. She shrugged it off as no bigger than the average dental appointment. And because she was so casual … so nonchalant about it, I guess I didn’t think about it as being a big deal. I mean – I realized that not everyone gets fake knees at any age, let alone in their 70s, but still … she didn’t seem even remotely concerned about the actual procedure OR the recovery and so the rest of the family didn’t … or, at least, I didn’t … consider anything outside of the “get surgery, recover, rehab, carry forth” circle. Naive? Perhaps. But if the individual going through the process is fine with everything, what was my getting too worked up gonna do, except to freak her out?

And a year or so later, she had the other knee replaced. And the combo of it being a now familiar process as well as the continued non-freak-out-ed-ness of the patient once again made it easier for those supporting her to keep it low-key.

Now keeping in mind that my mother’s personality tends to default to “comforter, safe-harborer, caregiver, listener of woes and burdens, lightener of troubles and cares”, it’s more than probable that she *was* completely freaked out and wasn’t going to bother the rest of us with her concerns or worries. But that kind of “keeping fears to yourself” thing can bring on ulcers, cause nightmares, etc. And what IS family for if not for leaning on? Maybe she felt that she’d lean too hard, or that we wouldn’t be able to provide enough strength to calm her fears.

In any event, I’ve always been more like my father than my mother. And I’ve had plenty of opportunity to prove it as of late. Keep my fears, worries, concerns to myself? Hell no! While being careful to suppress the urge to run about like a headless chicken (‘tho believe me I’ve had my missing cranium fowl moments), I feel I’ve been far more Drama-Queen-esque about the status quo than is necessary. Certainly more than my own mother was.

So when I was told today about coming off as “being brave” about something? I laughed. And not a polite “tut tut” bashful kind of laugh. No, it was a verbal explosion of a snort/guffaw combo. The truth of the matter is that I don’t know enough to be brave. I don’t even know enough to be in denial. Numbness maybe … yeah, I can safely say I’m numb. Tell me that I’m “handling everything so well” and I’ll respond – honestly – that I’m not handling a damn thing.

Yanno that child that closes their eyes and says “Ha ha - you can’t see me!”? That’s who I am. I’ll open my eyes at some point … but only when I’m ready.

"That" Day

I don't have a big, scary "where I was" story for September 11th, 2001.

I was getting ready for work.  I saw the reports on TV.  I continued to get ready for work because I didn't want to watch the events unfold in a loop all day (as they did ... for several days).  Also what was being shown wasn't happening anywhere close to me.  I was perfectly safe.

I drove my 3-mile non-bridge/tunnel commute and parked my car in a largely-empty parking lot.  I got to my desk, turned on my computer and listened to my voicemail - nothing dramatic was waiting for me.  I checked in with my parents and my sister (just to let them know I'd gone to work) and eventually would start calling sales team members, to see where they were and how they were doing and, mostly, to get them home as safely and easily as possible.

Having come from a large company, my boss and I had business practices that, as it turned out, came in real handy that day.  We had current cell phone numbers *and* at least one emergency contact number of a family member for each individual on our payroll.  Human Resources fought us for it, saying it was unnecessary and an invasion of privacy.  We countered that since we were paying for that cell phone, we had every right to cross-check the number to ensure we weren't being double-billed.  As for the additional contact number, cell phones frequently got lost or were left uncharged and service areas were NOT nation-wide.  Since I was in charge of keeping the 48-page org chart up-to-date (due to being the most advanced user of the application used to create it), I knew who we employed and who they reported to, even if they weren't in my department.

I remember sending out a blast email - without checking with management - to everyone who was a supervisor, saying (essentially) "here are the names and numbers of those who report to you.  Make contact with them to confirm their safety and location and send me an update by Noon PST."  I didn't have a plan as to what I'd do if anyone didn't get back to me, but it turned out to not be necessary.  Responses flooded in.  "All of Marketing is accounted for".  "Financial Services checking in as alright".  "IT has checked in."  "Human Resources is here".  I'd learn later that day that our CEO was sent this info from the head of HR, with no indication that she wasn't the originator of the effort.  I didn't care for her taking credit but I wasn't surprised by it.  (I learned later in the week that my own boss was forwarding the messages - with my action-to-be-taken request email - to the same CEO so, as it turned out, he knew about the background anyway.  I tried not to feel too smug about that when the head of HR was asked to leave later in the month.)

The biggest, most spread out team was mine ... Sales.  We had four regions and more than 50 team members.  The receptionist and I broke up the list and, starting with the East Coast, began dialing.  We'd get busy signals, or no answers, or recordings of "your call is unable to be completed at this time".  We had a travel report as to who was booked on which plane to be in what city to meet with whatever customer and started tracking our team that way.

Around lunch time, our management ordered out for lunch for everyone there who wanted to stay and help with locating staff.  Whoever wanted to go home was free to do so.  Most stayed because, I suspect, they didn't want to stare at the TV all day.  They wanted to DO something ... anything.  Staff that had never had the need to book travel were renting cars in cities everywhere to ensure that SOME kind of transportation would be available.  We didn't realize air travel would be halted, but we weren't having any luck getting through to re-route existing itineraries so we figured we'd just eat that cost if necessary and at least have a car waiting as a "last resort".

We accounted for all of our employees and, as luck would have it, renting the cars turned out to be a good move.  In the weeks to come, I'd see receipts with notes like "only reimburse 1/2 the gas since the guy we caught up with in Cleveland paid 1/2".  I don't think any life-long friendships were made in those times, but I know that strangers were kinder, quieter and a little more comforting in the weeks that followed.  I remember the sudden appearance of American flags ...a LOT of American Flags.

It's hard to believe that was a decade ago.  I'm glad I was a West-Coaster at the time, because it felt so removed and far away.  I'm glad I was younger when it happened ... that I had the patience and naivety to feel so safe and measured ... as though I'd done something like that before.

Today, I'm an East-Coaster.  I still haven't seen NYC.  I don't know that I need to.  I don't wanna lose that "so far away from me" feeling.