The Sound Of One Hand Clapping

What is the sound of someone who is NOT asking for help?

No.  Really ... I need to know.  Because I'm apparently doing it wrong.  The "not asking for help" part, I mean.

I recently have been given some drama in my life (manageable drama, but drama just the same) and it seems like each time I update those not-so-near but still-quite-dear on the state of said drama, I get advice of what I should do, not do, read up on, etc.

And I don't get it.  I really don't.

Each time this occurs (and yes, it has happened more than once),  I review what I wrote or said, carefully scanning for the part where I ask for any guidance, opinions or assistance.  And damned if I just can't find it.

Now in the arena of playing fair, I WILL say that out of the immediate family of which I am a part, I have *always* been the one who played her cards close to her vest.  I've never really been the one to share every little detail - good or bad - because I guess I didn't want to be viewed as a whiner or a braggart.  Annnnnnnd, seeing as how I know an awful lot of fairly personal details about my various cousins, I also didn't want my personal business being digested, discussed, debated, and distributed.  So it wasn't always pride which helped me to keep my mouth shut - sometimes it was just my only means of protection of privacy.

So it is no surprise, really, that pretty much ANYtime I disclose something that may be going on with me, it feels like big news.  (And if it feels that way to me, it's probably not too much of a stretch to say that it may feel like that to my family, too.)

But - sharing what is going on versus asking for advice ... those aren't the same, are they?  I mean - it'd be one thing to say "I've decided to join a gym" ... and something different to say "I've decided to join a gym.  Do you have any recommendations?"

My overall REAL problem is that I haven't found a polite way to get the advice to NOT flow freely.  After all, those giving the advice are only doing so as a way of offering support.  There's no nice way ... no non-defensive-sounding way - of saying "I've decided to join a gym.  I'm just telling you.  There is absolutely no action required from you whatsoever.  The best response you could give would be to just say 'neat' and then drop it completely."

I'm grateful that I have people in my life who care about me - it's a wonderful problem to have, I know.  And, like the other issues in my life, it's not a problem I need SOLVED.

Who Do You Trust?

Because of ... let's say "medical reasons", I've been spending quite a bit of time thinking of my health, hospitals, doctors, tests, etc.  I think it's safe to say that folks tend to ignore thinking of these things when all is well.  Very few individuals who are perfectly well and don't work in medicine wake up in a cold sweat thinking "why can't doctors spend more time explaining why they prescribe one medication and not another?".

I find myself defending decisions like that lately.  I don't like it.  And knowing that I'm defending these decisions against information gathered from an internet search?  It makes me so damn angry that people can be that stupid.

(Sidenote:  Did you know that out of 500 internet search phrases, the term "Gandhi walked on the moon" is still ranking higher than "Walt Disney's lifelong friendship with Fidel Castro"?  Wow - you didn't know that?  I found it on the web so it MUST be true.  Except I'm lying - I didn't find it on the web.  But I just wrote it so it's there now.  See how reliable that is?!?)

Meanwhile, I come by my medical ignorance honestly.  Even when faced with terms that apply to me, I choose to know only what is necessary when it is required ... four W's and one H:  What is wrong?, Why is it happening?, What are we gonna do about it?, When does it go away?, and How do I ensure it doesn't happen again?

And I tend to ask professionals these questions (when at all possible).  Let me put it this way ... the internet is, largely, anonymous.  Anyone can write anything.  We'd LIKE to believe that everyone always has the best of intentions ... but we know better than that.  Trusting strangers with important things is dangerous.  That butthead that cut you off in traffic could be the one telling you that bees are repelled by olive oil - do you trust him?  The librarian that extended your book loan may be the one giving step-by-step directions on a do-it-yourself kidney removal ... is she the best person to get this info from?

Sure it's possible that the bad driver is a pest removal expert and the librarian is a retired surgeon ... but what if they aren't?  Do you wanna be that gullible?  Because we all know that it was actually Disney who walked on the moon.  Why else would he name Mickey's dog Pluto?

The Wednesday Wimper, Whine and Wallow

Just because I don't tend to write, talk, whine, discuss, whimiper, dwell, or wallow on the "not so great" parts of things going on in my orbit doesn't mean I don't have any such parts.  So, in no particular order and to just get everything out in the open, here's just three of my "not so greats"...

Whimper

• The 16-year old gray cat (already crying as I write those six words) that I left in good hands is dying.  I was care-ape to this feline ... this life-line to my weak grasp on sanity ... for more than 14 years.  He got me through *e*v*e*r*y*t*h*i*n*g*.  And now I'm a country-width away and am powerless to change anything.  (Realizing that I could have him sitting on my lap and I'd still be powerless.)  So I'm here waiting for the phone call to tell me that he's passed.

Whine

• The "new" cat that the Awesome Boyfriend and I have nursed back to health will need a forever home and it can't be ours.  I'm worried that it won't matter how great, fun, good, loving, soft, and beautiful she is that it won't be easy to find.  I don't wanna fail her after all this.  (See above bullet point for the line of guilt on this.)

Wallow

• The cousin who was fighting her cancer battle when her mother and I were doing the same is back on the "not recovering" list.  I got nothing more to add to this one.  I believe the amount of suckage involved here rather goes without saying.

So yes, I'm a little less social and a lot more bitter than usual.  As with most things, I will work through all of this  (I always do) but give me a break and let me figure it out.  Don't tell me how it'll all be alright.  Don't tell me how you can relate.  Don't tell me how it'll get easier - because, honestly, this part is NEVER easy.

I just don't wanna hear it right now.  I deserve a good wallow and I at least have enough decency to wallow quietly and to myself.  I know I'm not in fit shape right now to be good company to anyone so just be thankful I have enough respect to spare the rest of humanity.  I will recover when I'm ready to do so.  I'm just not ready yet.

Just because I don't share every crappy thing that happens doesn't mean I don't have crappy things.  We all do.  These are but three of mine.

Privately Public

As promised from my last post, I'd like to address and further define a couple of words that I think have started to lose their meaning. In this, the very-digital age, where everything (and I do mean EVERYTHING) can be found online, it may be hard to remember how to categorize certain things. Why is categorization important? It brings order. It brings understanding.

In an effort to further my own understanding, I've decided to clarify the two words (and opposites) "public" and "private", and I'll include four points of definition.

Public. (Adjective) (1)Exposed to general view. (2)Well-known. (3)Prominent. (4)Perceptible.

Hmmm. Already I see a conflict - again, because of the digital-age. Something that is "exposed to general view" or "perceptible" may not be "well-known" or "prominent". Examples? There are individuals in the various entertainment industries (who, by virtue of their career path, are "exposed to general view") that have lives outside of their career that are not "prominent" or, even all that "perceptible". And as for "well-known", in the example I've given, that'd be more like "rumor", I suppose.

So already we have a contradiction problem. Drat. Let's step away and move to the other word.

Private. (Adjective) (1)Intended for or restricted to the use of a particular person, group, or class. (2)Belonging to or concerning an individual person, company, or interest. (3)Not known or intended to be known publicly. (4)Preferring to keep personal affairs to oneself.

Ok now we're achieving clarity! No fuzziness here ... but let's make sure by using my above-given example. This fictional entertainer could, in fact, be in the public eye but still have a private life. But only (and this is important) if that privacy is RESPECTED by the individuals who are not in the group or class where said private information was divulged.

Ahhhhhh ... there's the problem! The general population, other groups of individuals, family, friends, passing acquaintances and sometimes people that have not even met the subject in question - the PUBLIC - sometimes feels as though they are somehow owed access to a person's PRIVATE life.

And that respect is even harder to come by in this day of being able to find out damn near every detail of anything just by typing in a few terms to search by. How else would we know that Joanne Kathleen Rowling is better known as the author who writes under "J. K. Rowling"? That actor Tom Cruise is 5' 7"? That Mariah Carey was worth $225 Million in 2009? Heck - easy. We just type in a few key words and *bing* we get our answers. Ergo, one may assume that information that is found through electronic (or other) research is clearly public knowledge because, to use the definition, it is "exposed to general view".

But do we feel that we're owed that information, because we've done the research? Hmmm ... that's a slippery slope. It's one thing when the information is fairly harmless (one can estimate from photographs how tall Mr. Cruise is ... and from interviews she has given, Ms. Rowling herself has explained her initials and her reasons behind using them ... and tax records would show the 2009 income of Ms. Carey) but just because that information can be found, it is not all that "prominent" or, in many cases, all that "perceptible". It was discovered (verb - "to make known, to find out, uncovered"). Side-note ... the opposite of uncovered? Covered. 'Nuf said.

This issue becomes even murkier when dealing with a person who is not in the spotlight, such as a family member, a friend, a co-worker, or an acquaintance. Sometimes people who fall into that collective group feel that they ARE, in fact, owed such information. I know, for instance, that I could easily discover the cost of the home an acquaintance purchased, the current career path my ex-coworker is pursuing, the legal struggles that my cousin is going through, or the operating system, IP address, location, date, and time of every single person who ever reads this.

But just because I can find this information, just because this data is either part of public record, or word of mouth through family channels, or electronic search methods doesn't mean that the acquaintance, my ex-co-worker, my cousin, or you WANT me knowing these details of your private life. And I respect that.

For now.

Publically Private

*deep breath*

So here's the thing: There are public places, like shopping centers, and private places, like businesses. Public places need to be accessible to (duh) the public. No one is denying that. Private places can (but don't have to) allow the public "inside the doors" - if they desire.

What happens when these public places and these private places are under one security umbrella?

Example: When I worked at a Fortune 25 company, many years before the tragedy of 9/11, your vehicle was photographed as you parked in the company-provided parking structures. You were greeted at the front desk (even if it was just a nod and a wave) and that was as far as you could go without either a company escort or an employee badge. You couldn't access the elevators, the cafeterias, the bathrooms or even the back door exits into the campus without a badge or someone who had a badge.

Keep in mind that this was not a "private" company, in that they were publicly traded ... but they WERE private as far as their security was concerned. Now it's also true that if one was friendly with the receptionist staff and one had said, in advance, something like "my parents are coming to visit today and they want to meet me for lunch. Can you let them into the cafe in the forth building and tell them I'll be a few minutes late?" that it wouldn't be a big issue, but even so - for the most part, no badge, no entry.

*another deep breath*

I visited the Awesome Boyfriend at work recently. He works in one of those types of public/private facilities. I parked about a mile away and boarded a company-funded bus, where I was driven to the center where several buildings meet. This was shortly before Noon, and there were a total of four people on this bus, including me. The driver and the other two passengers had badges on lanyards draped around their necks. I did not. No one blinked at this at all, and as I exited the bus, I was wished a good day.

I opened my notebook to recall the instructions the Awesome Boyfriend had written as to which building I was to go to and, after refreshing my memory, I walked past the guard shack, where I noticed an individual wearing earbuds and reading a newspaper. This person never looked up at me, never saw me walk past, and likely wouldn't have heard me if I'd asked a question. I may have taken note of them but I saw no indication they took note of me.

I walked to the correct building - there were several to choose from, entered through the doorway, and saw the elevator bank. I pressed the button, got onto the elevator (alone), and exited a few floors up, where I'd been told (by the Awesome Boyfriend) a cafe would be. I walked to a small cluster of chairs outside the cafe area, checked my messages and let the Awesome Boyfriend know I'd arrived, and then entered the cafe. I set down my purse and notebook on a nearby table, strolled over to the cash register area, and purchased a cookie and a beverage, using cash. I returned to my table and nibbled at my cookie while reading from my notebook. I sat alone for about 20 minutes, then caught up with the Awesome Boyfriend who dropped by for about 10 minutes. After he departed, I continued to sit alone for about 30 minutes.

At the appropriate time, I got up from my table, gathered my items, and decided to freshen up in the restroom. As I had time before my meeting, I brushed my teeth and my hair and, since it was warm outside, cooled down with a paper towel dampened with water. Afterwards, I again gathered my belongings, got back into the elevators (this time it was not empty), pressed the appropriate button and exited at the correct floor.

I found my meeting location (where no one asked me if I had any difficulty in getting there - or where I'd parked) and had my meeting. Of the four individuals I was meeting with, only one had ever met me before. When the discussion was concluded, I left the room, exited into the hallway alone (since no one offered to escort me) and got onto the elevators. I'd decided to refresh myself with another cool paper towel and got off on the "cafe" floor, and revisited that same restroom. I returned to the elevator bank, got onto a fairly crowded elevator, and exited on the ground floor.

I left the building, walked past the guard shack (where a guard was having a sports-related discussion with someone standing outside the window), and waited for a bus - which arrived after about 8 minutes. I boarded, with about 7 other folks, most of which were still wearing their badges, and we were returned to the parking lot. I paid my parking fee (in cash), got into my vehicle, and drove away.

As far as that time period went, one would be hard-pressed to prove I'd ever been there at all.

Yes, it's possible that there are cameras in the halls, parking lots and elevators, but those don't prevent access .... they just identify who has done the accessing. I had every right to be in the building at the appropriate time, but I honestly had no business using the company-provided bus, or the cafe, or even exiting on any other floor but the one my meeting was on.

And yesterday, some terrible things happened at this facility. Not in the building where I'd been, but in a building where the same "security" procedures are (supposedly) in place. Do I want to tell someone how flawed their "security" is? Absolutely I do. I wouldn't know where to start, and don't mean to frighten anyone but I'm not exactly stealthy and I wasn't try to be invisible or secretive. I just strolled around that facility looking like I knew what I was doing and no one ever asked me if I did. It was easy.

In fact, it was too easy. It shouldn't be that easy. More importantly, we - the post 9/11 public - can't afford for it to be that easy.

As for the whole "going places where people have no business being" topic, I'll save that for another day.