Weight A Second

For me, it all started with the microwave.

I remember the box sitting on the counter, the classes my mother took, the "recipes" (and I use that word that very hesitantly) in the instruction manual, the warnings about not standing too close or immediately open the door when the unit shut down ... and I remember the wonder of being able to cook - or, more accurately, heat - items in less than half the the time of traditional methods.

Instant rice.  Instant oatmeal.  Fax machines.  Copier machines.  Instant messaging.  Text messaging.  Flying across the entire country in a matter of hours.  We are a people who enjoy a longer lifespan than our great-great relatives could have ever considered and yet we feel compelled to bitch about how long the red light takes to change or roll our eyes at how much time we waste waiting for our iced, short, triple breve shots, extra whip, half-caf, almond soy mocha ... with sprinkles.  And fudge-drizzle sauce.

And - to me, at least - the second-worst offenders of this "gimme now" demand are the companies who sell instant fixes to non-instant problems ... the diet-pill/diet-shake manufacturers.   The worst offenders?  The ones at the top of that list?  The people who buy their crap.

If you are overweight - and I am, for what I'd PREFER to look like - did your body change in a week?  In three weeks?  In six?  No - of course not.  Barring extreme circumstances and/or pregnancy, you slowly added a few ounces here and a few ounces there until you had to change the size of the pants you were buying.  It took lots of months.  Hell, it probably took years.

So why do people feel that they can buy a pill or a shake or - and this may be my favorite snake-oil ever - a fat-eliminating creme (*snork*) and, in less than a month, ta-dah there's your 24-year old body once again?!

Why?  Because of instant rice, instant oatmeal, fax and copier machines, instant and text messaging, and the microwave.  We want it all and we wanted it 4 minutes ago.  It's what THIS generation has always had.  It's not instant gratification ... it's more like instant expectation.  I mean - who actually waits for the elevator doors to close on their own anymore?  Why would you do that, since there's a button that will close the doors for you faster than the sensor would do so?

Well, to everyone who is starving themselves, putting themselves through surgeries, slurping down nasty-tasting crap and slathering on cellulite-reducing lotions, my advice is to slow down, take a deep breath, throw out your scales and calorie-counters and measuring cups, toss your secret cookie stash (yeah - you thought no one knew about that, didn't ya'?) and just give yourself a break.  Yes, if you've decided to get your weight in check, you should do so but - just like you took the time to add pounds, give yourself permission to take time to loose them.
And whatever else you decide to do - for cryin' out loud - stop trying to find the instant fix to a non-instant problem.  Close your mouth AND your wallet and just open your brain.  Even if all you ever do is develop a morning routine of stretches or leave a table without clearing your plate or stop asking for dessert after every meal or take the stairs instead of the elevator ... it will be a step in the right direction.  And from there, you can add another step and another.  Because that's how it all started.

The solution really does need to come from YOU - not a pill, or creme or any of that oh-so-tempting crap that folks are so eager to have you believe.  If the easy-solution that you may be considering worked forever for everyone who tried it, the entire weight loss market would have just that one option, right?  Clearly there is no "one-size-fits-all" solution to this issue.  This will just be one of those things where you'll need patience and persistence, strength and conviction, determination and forgiveness, and if you set reachable goals for yourself ... well, just weight and see.

Games I Don't Play

This isn't the follow-up post I'd intended to write ... but the title fits and the timing works out.  My blog.  My rules.

Games I Won't Play:
Pretty much anything to do with creating an on-line identify and slaying dragons, or breaking into castles, working with witches or trolls, etc.  Why?  Simply put, I am not a 6 year old boy.

Pictionary:  While I like this game, and I am good at guessing what I'm looking at, I can't draw to save my life.  So you'll want me on your team but don't give me the pen.

Games I Shouldn't Play:
There are two very specific names to include on this list but, before I do, let me say that while I enjoy playing both of these next games, I am not all competitive.  I can walk away from an unfinished board game if I am winning or losing - or anywhere in between - if it's no longer providing me with the primary goals of why they exist - entertainment and enjoyment.  If someone sitting around the board says "this is boring - let's do something else", I will always be ok with that.

Allllllllright here we go:

Backgammon.
My favorite aunt taught me how to play before I was 10 and, while I recognized she was trying to make math fun, it was entertaining enough that I didn't mind.  I don't use the doubling cube but I am pretty ruthless when I play against someone who seems to know the game as I do.  I will do whatever I am able to do (and show very little mercy in the process) in order to either win or learn a new strategy.  If I do lose, I will very likely want you to show me where you took the upper hand so that I can continue to grow my skill set.  After all these years of playing, I'm more used to winning - which is hard because I like to be challenged.  (I know that reads like my being pompous or boasting - and I can't help that.  It's just been my experience in the past decade or so that I tend to win.)

Monopoly.
This is a biggie for me.  In fact, this may be THE biggie for me.  I've mentioned before my parents were/are part of an extended group of married couples referred to as "The Fun Club".  One couple in particular was frequently part of our weekend plans - we'd go to their home or they'd come to ours.  They had three kids and I was the youngest ... so anything we could do as a group was GREAT by me.  (Otherwise, I'd mostly spend my time with various pets or playing piano.  The age difference wasn't much but it was enough that I was frequently left out, and that was alright.  It was sometimes tough but *shrug* I understand it now anyway.)  But on extended weekend visits or occasional trips to the ocean, someone at some point would bring out a Monopoly board.

Monopoly doesn't care about your age or who your closest friends are.  It doesn't care about what you WANT to accomplish or what properties you're trying to collect.  You are at the mercy of the dice - a great equalizer.  Sure, there were times when I'd get clobbered early but I'd still hang out and watch, trying to silently wager with myself as to who would win.  It could be minutes or hours.  There were times we'd walk away at the end of one night and pick it up the next day.

As we all got older, I started to be a little more focused on the numbers part of the game ... certain properties are good to buy because there are more chances that people will land on them.  Some properties are less frequently visited and don't make for a good investment.  And rather than buying everything you land on, it pays to see what others are collecting so that you can arrange for a possible trade at some point.

That's all very well and sound and good.  There are things you can't control but, those you can, you should (which is just like real life).  And, to me, it's all interesting and part of the game.  However (and this is the part where I come off as a arrogant all-knowing wank) I forget that not everyone wants to discuss theory or strategy - win or lose.

So, for those who were wondering (and maybe none of you were so clearly I STILL haven't learned), that is why I shouldn't play Monopoly.

But consider this entry a fair warning to you:  Be prepared because if I do play it with you, I will kick your top-hat wearing ass and then show you went it all went horribly, horribly wrong.

Do not pass "Go".
Do not collect $200.

Games We Play

When I was a child at home from school (either because of another broken arm or just not feeling well), there were things I'd do to stay busy.  Read.  Play with our animals.  Bake.  Watch TV.

When I was a YOUNG child at home from school, it was mostly that last one.  Oh the countless hours of mindless crap that I'd waste my day watching.  Avoiding at all cost any kind of news program (because if I wanted to learn something, I'd go to school ... DUH!), I'd try to find either predictable sitcoms or game shows.  Tic Tac Dough, $25,000 Pyramid, and the Gong Show were alright ... but if I were really lucky, I'd come across The Match Game.

Oh I just loved The Match Game.  I didn't always get the wackiness of the responses but I loved watching it.  Folks really seemed to enjoy themselves there.  I couldn't play along, most of the time, because some of the blanks that needed filling in were over my head, but it was fun anyway.

I could ... and did ... play along with Pyramid.  I was really quite good, too.  Not as good as my parents were with Name That Tune, but I probably could have done alright.  I was never a good receiver of clues, but as a giver?  Well, in my not-at-all humble 8+year old head, I just rocked the clue-giver category.

So as a preview for a future blog entry, let's play Pyramid.  I'll give the clues, and you guess the category.

Sneezing.
Twins.
Echo.
Footwear.
Team.
Flock.
Waves.

There.  That should do it.