She’s A Little Runaway

I had a self-created massively crappy end to my Thursday at work and, as I drove home while kicking myself (a difficult task in a stick-shift), I decided that an immediate change of scenery was not only called for but mandatory. For everyone concerned, especially me.

It used to be much easier for me to run away. I'd call up the college student tenants living in my rental home and tell them to clear out of the pool house for the weekend. Mostly this was my way of telling the boys that I was going be on the property for a bit because they never really used the pool house at all. I kept about a weeks worth of clothing locked up there so I could, quite literally, drive away from work on a Friday and not have to make any stops until I arrived, save for getting more fuel. It was incredibly freeing, having this option at my whim and, while Scott and Tim would likely disagree, I don't think I took advantage of it as frequently as I should have. Knowing that hindsight is 20-20, I rather wish I'd never sold the home in the first place.

Even 'tho I haven't been a landlord in well over a year now, my last batch of tenants and I still keep in touch. I've encouraged them to use me as a reference (should they need it) because they were really GREAT tenants. In fact, when I told them I'd be selling the home at the end of their school year, they voluntarily spent their free weekends helping me on "around the home" tasks (re-bricking the patio, changing out the planting beds, updating the kitchen, etc.). They've all graduated now, and are employed – not necessarily in their chosen field but they seem happy, just the same. Three of the four still live together in fact, and are now looking to go in together on their own home. It probably won't be in the same neighborhood that they were in (even in this market, prices in that zip code are impossible for first-timers), but I'm sure they'll figure out something. I still refer to them as "good kids", 'tho not to their faces.

Anyway, now it's more difficult to run away – what with no destination to call my own – but when one is creative (and I'm NOTHING if not creative), the "where" is only a minor detail, right up there with the "how". Lately, as you've no doubt gathered, my life has been far more about the "why". For me, the "why" was because I was no longer any fun for myself or anyone else. Having figured that out, I grabbed a few things from home, gave my neighbor a heads-up, plugged in my iPod, and figured Jake was the "how" and he'd decide the "where" for me.

My "run away" weekend was much like my "at home" weekend would have been – quiet, contemplative and, for the most part, alone. I decided to leave my laptop behind ('tho I'll confess I did borrow one for about 15 minutes on Friday), and spent the bulk of my time doing "guilty pleasure" things – freezing my butt off sitting on a rainy beach, having an afternoon snack in a small café on a busy street while people-watching, and allowing two professionals cover my body in oil and use a few hours to work out tight areas in muscles I didn't know I even had. (One of these professionals was, in fact, one of the aforementioned "good kids", which wasn't as problematic as I thought it'd be.)

It was a pretty wonderful few days and it awakened me to the idea … fact, actually … that my making myself miserable over things I don't necessarily control isn't just a stupid use of my time and energy, but it's hurting my already deeply-battered heart. If all I want to do is run away from myself, why would I ask anyone else to want to spend their time with me? I can't wish that on anyone.

So, during my run away weekend, it seems that I finally ran smack into the truth. Yes, there's still a lot of hurdles left on the track ahead of me, but it's ok for me to decide which ones I want to clear and which ones I'm just gonna kick down. I don't have to kill myself in the process. And I'll be damned if I'll let anyone else do so.

"No one heard a single word she said. They should have seen it in your eyes - what was going around your heart. Ooh, she's a little runaway …"