The Family Circus

I haven’t updated things in awhile, not to any real depth anyway, so I guess it is time to do so.

A lot of my being private and protective of some of the details (and people) in my life is directly linked with either avoidance and/or procrastination. It’s kind of like the child that plays hide and seek by covering his eyes and says “you can’t see me ‘cause my eyes are closed”. The logic is faulty, but on a certain level, the idea is valid. If I close my eyes, even for a few minutes, to the pain and sadness that is galloping through my family, I can decide to not acknowledge it and, for those few minutes at least, it doesn’t exist. One gets creative on these things when forced to, I suppose.

I closed my eyes for a few days last week, and decided to NOT check in with my folks, didn’t call into my voicemail, and didn’t talk with my sister. I wasn’t “off the grid” – I was online and my folks know that my Crackberry allows me access to my personal email accounts – so if something awful were to have happened, I would have known about it but I decided to not make it a part of my schedule each day. Honestly, it was pretty wonderful at the time.

Like all good games of hide and seek though, eventually you need to tag-up at home base. The news was not good.

Now realistically, I have known for months how this journey will end. I know that my Aunt Verna, no question, is dying. What bothers me FAR more, though, is that she is not “living”, and there IS a difference. I’m not saying that she’s sitting on a chair and begging to expire – but she’s been robbed of the little joys she used to experience all the time. Primary of those joys is the annual escape to the lake house she and my Uncle have had for more than 45 years. It’s well established that Verna and Ernie leave mid-May from their gray-skied city home and live at the lake house until mid-September.

As it is now the 21st of May, there is MUCH discussion among the family as to what this Summer season will look like, and I don’t understand the problem, honestly. In my typical ultra-stubborn “shut up and do it, dammit” fashion, I don’t understand why we aren’t hiring three or four caregivers to work in 6 hour shifts and just let these two people enjoy their last Summer on the lake, in their home that they’ve known and enjoyed for decades. It’s plain to see that if Verna’s day arrives, it will make little difference where that happens or what our response is. Honestly, her doctors are all of the “just go and be comfortable” mindset by now so … what’s the holdup?

And, while that’s all very well and good for me to say, I am cut from the same cloth as the rest of my family. I was to travel this weekend to visit a bunch of friends, enjoy great company, see new sites, and share terrific food … and now, on the day I was originally scheduled to depart, I find myself unable to do so. I all-too-vividly remember the last time I traveled more than a state away last October. I remember having a terrific time, laughing a lot, seeing new things, enjoying great food … and then ignoring my cell when my mother called me with news of my father’s heart attack. I made a silent vow to myself to do whatever I could (when things were in my control to do so) to be a more present family member. Could I forgive myself if I fell short of my own expectations again? It is not something I choose to gamble with.

So I will continue to focus on the center (family-based) ring of this three-ring circus and, for the time being, if doing so pushes my own small joys out of the spotlight, so be it. In the third ring are my friendships, and those that know me well will take the time to understand and I’ll do my best to be a worthy friend. Sometimes that means more than being present – it means being THERE. Right now I can only be present, and my friends deserve better than that.

Step right up - to the greatest show on Earth.