Beware, the savage jaw of 1984

I quote the above Bowie lyric, only because I don’t know of any songs that talk about the “savageness” of 1987. 1987 was a year after I graduated – and it was the year I was to be married to my high school sweetheart, move away from my small town, maybe start a family. It was amazing to me that of the 6 girls, I was the first to be engaged. I was the least attractive and the least experienced. I spent my time working on my personality which, as it turned out, made me the best catch. Go figure. 1987 was to be a banner year in every way. I’m here to tell you folks that it was, for some very incredible reasons. My sweetheart turned out to be an individual who was anything but “sweet” and proved in ways unimaginable that he had no heart whatsoever.

As it unfolds, 2008 is turning out to be a banner year in its own right, and for very similar reasons from 21 years ago.

In 1987, I was indestructible. I was wide-eyed and wild-eyed. I danced hard – and often. I laughed … often and hard. I listened (notice I’m not saying I “heard”). I played often and hard, worked hard, lived hard … and I curled up and I cried. Hard. Often. And it took me maybe four years or more to realize that I, thank GOD, learned. A lot.

But more than two decades later, I wonder – have I forgotten those lessons? Is that why I’m forced to repeat this class?

I find myself making the EXACT same mistakes as that wild-eyed teen – or, at least, making it easier for me to be in a similar circumstance as her. It’d be too easy to place blame, but my expectations were set so many years ago by the one person I counted on MORE than myself – who was too afraid to stand by me. So I find myself making it simpler for those near to me to walk away – so that I can say “see? I told you this was too much and I knew you’d let me down. But don’t worry – I’m a big girl. I’ll handle this alone. Again.” Where’s the prize in that? What is … wrong … with my wiring that I expect to be let down? There’s no gratification to be had when it happens. I have no “gloat” of being right in that. And yet – I don’t honestly know the strength of those around me and don’t feel I have the right to put them through this (as though this were something I signed up for). How very gracious and self-serving of me. (Insert eye roll here.) No need to beat me up over this – I already have on my boxing gloves.

I recall sitting at the Red Carpet Club at O’Hare – likely waiting for Scott and/or Andy to arrive. I took out a journal and, feeling overwhelmed by life in general, on December 13th, 2006 (yes, I looked it up), I wrote out some guidelines for myself. There are some gems to be found in this list of 13 notions – including “be responsible to yourself” (notice I don’t say “for” myself –but “to”), and “celebrate and cry whenever necessary, even the stupid stuff”. My two favorites though are these: “Be as strong as you can, as tolerant as is needed, and as patient and kind as you feel you deserve.” And “what if you succeed?” Knowing I cannot conduct a rewrite, I’d like to add an insert mark ... “What if you don’t let others help you succeed?”

Reverting to my 19-year-old self, I seek familiar ways to find answers to questions that linger. She would go to the Coast, day or night, Winter or Summer, and stare blankly at the water, sometimes for hours, enduring – possibly enjoying - the cold and gray. Today, that seems fitting. Look for me there.